The value of honoring yourself. I feel that if we are going to have a talk on values it’s best that we first define what a value is. In writing this piece, I searched the great webs of the internet to find a meaning that I felt really embodied the meaning I was looking for. Oddly, it was not easy to find. Here is my definition of a value: a way of being which acts as a compass for the way you live your life so that you can stay true to who you want to be. 

As I have included in the definition, you can see that values are important to have and define because they are your personal compass on how you choose to live and how you know you’ve done the right/wrong thing in accordance to the values you’ve defined for yourself. It’s important to note that although there may be some universal values, ultimately your personal set of values will be very individual.

What does it mean to honor yourself?

To honor yourself means to own, respect and love yourself. It means to own your strengths, your flaws, your shortcomings, your triumphs, your falls, your highs, own where you are in life, giving each part of who you are the space to show up and be acknowledged. It means that you respect your boundaries, your beliefs and show up on behalf of yourself to do what needs to be done. And it also means that you show yourself the appreciate you deserve because being human isn’t a rose petaled flower walk and you are still here kicking ass. More concisely put, to honor oneself is full self acceptance and self love, no matter what. It’s also going to mean self forgiveness, because we all do things that are pretty shitty and it sucks. #human

This isn’t to say that if you have a negative pattern of behavior such as an addiction that you just let part of “show up” and continue to live out. It is about realizing that patterns of  behavior that are holding you back are a part of you that is trying to be seen and heard. And it's your responsibility to get help for it. (If you are battling addiction please seek professional help.)

It is important that you honor yourself because I believe that our deepest sense of value comes from within and that it is important that we do not externalize our sources of obtaining personal value. It is also important that we honor ourselves because the way that we treat ourselves is the model for how other people treat us and it can also be a model for how people learn how to honor themselves! I always feel that how we live our personal lives can be a light/map/example for those around us to live theirs.

Having covered what it means to honor yourself and some of its importance. Let us look at the ways that we dishonor ourselves, more specifically 3 of the “sneaky” ways that it may be happening and you don’t even realize it. This will be followed with what to do instead that honors who you are.

1. Lying to ourselves

There are multiple ways this can show up in our lives. One of those ways is when we lie to ourselves about how we feel. When situations/experiences affect us in certains ways and we brush it under the rug/pretend we are not upset or sad about that situation, we are lying to ourselves. 

Why is this dishonoring? 

Honoring ourselves means to own who we are, that includes our feelings. When we don’t honor our feelings by recognizing them and giving them space to pass through us, they don’t disappear. Rather repressed feelings/states left unattended for too long cause adaptive changes to how you show up energetically and on the end of that spectrum is the potential for dis-ease.

What can you do instead?

Be honest with yourself

Being honest with yourself about how you are feeling and what you need will give you the energetic and mental space to show up on behalf of yourself fully. Then you are better equipped to make a decision and take an action on what it is you need to do next based on the ques of that feeling. If you are in a situation/experience that doesn't feel good to you or leaves you feeling depleted/drained/low on energy that is your body signaling to you that you are out of alignment with what it is that’s meant for you.

 A way to be honest with yourself is to check in with yourself and ask: “What am I feeling? What are my feelings trying to tell me?” Show up and listen to your intuition, and then follow through with taking the correct action for you.

2. Agreeing to do things we DON’T want to do

Here I am not talking about making relationship compromises which are going to be a part of close relationships when you need to show up for someone you care deeply for. I am talking about you going to your co-worker Lisa’s 3 year olds birthday party because “I feel bad if I don’t”. I am talking about you saying yes to being around, doing things and making time for people who are not important to you. 

Why is this dishonoring to yourself? 

Because it isn’t your responsibility to make other people happy. That job is everyone’s personal responsibility. Usually when we agree to do things for other people we don’t want to do we are doing so at the expense of what it is we need: rest, spending time on projects we love, spending time with our families, etc.

What can you do instead?

Use the power of NO

The word no exists for a reason, so use it. Use it to create the boundaries you need to show up for yourself and what it is you do want. Use the word “no” to decline invitations to places, with people, or even conversations that you don’t want to be a part of. 

There are so many ways to say “no”:

• Thank you but I have other commitments

• I need to rest today but you enjoy

• That sounds great but right now I need to focus on other things

• No, I can’t.

• No, I’m not feeling it.

• No that’s not something that interest me right now

• No thanks

Know that you don’t need a reason to say no, the reason for you not wanting to is reason enough. So honor yourself by saying no to the things you don’t want to do.

3. Waiting until you are in the perfect place to love who you are

Our culture sends out a lot of messages in regards to the standards of: what you should be, what you should strive for, where you should be by a certain age, what doing well looks like, what falling behind looks like, what beautiful is, what smart is, etc. If you are ever in doubt of yourself and your abilities, looking to the mass media may just leave you in a place further from your center than where you started. With all the external messages and your own insecurities, you may find it hard to love the person you currently are and in turn seeking external validation is going to make you feel worse. 

This journey from the center is often compounded by the fact that we live in a society that is addicted to doing/goal setting founded on the premise that “where you are is never enough”. Goal setting and wanting to get to that next level isn’t the negative factor here. Goal setting and reaching further become a negative experience when the energy behind it is that you are not good enough. 

Why is this dishonoring to yourself? 

When we believe we are not good enough we can be led into a series of destructive behaviors. And I feel that it starts with us forgetting to remember to love who we are. When we hold in our minds that we are not lovable until “x” happens, it places this false expectation that when “x” happens we will be this magically different person. But that is not what happens because who you are now goes with you everywhere. There’s no magical transformation of thought and self respect at “x” event. All the feelings , thoughts and patterns of behavior you took with you on your journey to “x” is going to come with you.

What can you do instead?

Remember that you are always deserving of your own love. We will never be perfect but that doesn’t mean that you are undeserving of being loved. Self love is a daily practice that you should be partaking in because it fuels you to show up as your best. You light up differently when you are filled with love. And there are so many ways that you can practice self love.

Speak to yourself in loving ways: 

for some that may mean affirmations and for all that means when you make mistake you don’t call yourself 

“an idiot/stupid/dumb” but you learn to ackonwledge the fact you made a mistake without that mistake defining you in a derogatory or negative way

Treat yourself right:

 There are infinite ways to do this so experiment with ways that work best for you. The core includes a daily practice of these elements: eating right for body, proper rest, proper hydration, meditation, and exercise. 

Be mindful of your environments: 

This means taking note of the places you go, people you hang around and activities you are involved in that don’t make you feel good or empower you. If you are in any situation in which who you are is not being appreciated and respected, you need to get out of there. This is where the practice of self love comes into play because when you know what loves feels like you will know where it isn’t and then be able to do something about it. In the same regard, take note of places that make you feel empowered, loved, respected, appreciated and go there often.

I hope that this is something that resonates with you. Ultimately honoring yourself is about loving who you are, a daily practice of showing up for yourself and taking action on behalf of that love. When you show up for yourself, you model to those around you to show up for themselves. Also honoring yourself allows you to honor others, it’s a beautiful practice for everyone.

Your turn: 

What does it mean to you to honor yourself? 

What are some sneaky ways that you have practiced “dishonoring self” in the past and how have you positively changed that? (or working to change that).

We are all human, mistakes are going to happen, we are going to make poor choices. But we can always choose to learn from those mistakes. Love is a daily practice.

Sincerely,

Chloe’